Ikea: A relationship test

So were in! We have the keys, we have the car park pass, we have a racing bicycle with it's own shoes and carry case! But not ANY furniture, nada, not a single fork nor glass, which means I had to utter the words that make all grown men shiver.

"Babes, were going to have to go to IKEA", I winced as I said them. 

Silence.
Time passes.
More silence......
Tumble weed blows through our empty apartment.........
More time passes.
Deathly silence.
A tree grows in Brooklyn.......

The silence is broken by a reminder that I'd agreed to a 'One trip every two years Ikea rule'.  

I made a convincing argument that;

1. As Johan is Swedish going to Ikea was like going to worship at a Swedish temple
2. Surely considering we'd moved to another country and had no belongings that we'd have to amend the prevision agreement. 

So, an outing date to Ikea was set, however not before I had to agree to Johan's 'Let's not have a fight in Ikea - Strategy' and certain ground rules were laid out to me.

Johan's Ikea trip terms: 

• I am not to linger in the 'brainwashing section' - the area of the shop where they 'lifestyle' the products
• No vases, cushions or tea lights are to be purchased - Only basics...I requested a definition of 'basics'.
• All items were to be price checked as Ikea have started some Premium lines which you  don't realise until you check the receipt - it was the cheap crap only for us
• Johan was to be in charge of the little pencil and writing the item numbers down on the little piece of paper
• Under no circumstances was I to do any of my 'magic eye' measuring.

* My 'magic eye' measuring is quite a gift, whereby I can tell if things will fit by just looking at them. Or sometimes not as the never to be mentioned Ikea measuring incident of 4 years earlier, 4 return Ikea trips and much swearing later and we finally got the right size. 

It was all going so well. 

We had a plan - off Johan went to stock pile the flat pack items and I was left in the kitchen section to get bare essentials and we were to rendezvous at the check out. 

However, left alone and unsupervised I double backed and did what can only be described as military sweep of soft furnishing and candles. 

This back fired as at the rally point Johan demanded a trolley audit and discovered my hordes of cushions, vases, tea lights, picture frames, little metal blows for olives and I was busted. 

Fortunately, by then we were six deep in the queue and only one away from being severed so I knew he wouldn't want to have to drop out of the queue to get rid of my contraband. 

Then it happened......a big fight erupted! I was found in breech of contract and punished by having to eat a dyed pink chicken hot dog! 

Word of advice if you want a happy long lasting relationship NEVER go to Ikea together! 

It is impossible not to  have a fight, even as we discovered when you have a 
'Let's not have a fight at Ikea strategy'. 

The best laid plans of mice and men, eh....